Beautiful

Sometimes, even with understanding, dispondency falls like a grey cloud, hovering a few inches above our heads, threatening rain. I look up at my cloud, tempted to shake my fist at it, scare it away; the trouble is, the cloud likes that, it thrives on it so, far from retreating, it absorbs the frustration and puffs itself up in defiance.

In many ways, I have a full life. However, there often seems to be something missing. I love my family, my home, my friends, my voluntary work....but, it is the natural human condition to crave a soul-mate, a companion, a lover. In my current circumstances, there are few opportunities to find one. Most of my male friends are attached and are, to be frank, just friends. Most new people I meet, when they hear that I am an independent Mum to 7, though 3 of them are now fairly self sufficient, glaze over and make their excuses. Maybe they think I'm after a replacement Dad for my childre, which is not the case. Maybe they think I will want more, which is also untrue. What I would like is someone to spend time with, to go out with, for walks or theatre trips. I am not on the lookout for someone to move in and play happy families.

So, how does one go about finding such a person?

Having read The Secret and Abraham Hicks, even Paul McKenna, I know what techniques should work. In the short term, they do, but seeing through the veil can take a lot of strength at times. I visualise myself in all sorts of wonderful situations with the perfect companion, and positive things happen. However, a slight rejection, even from someone you know isn't the right person anyway, can be tough. So, I return to my visualisations and affirmations: "I am happy, loved and honoured by my kind, faithful, healthy soulmate," was recommended to me. It feels good to say it.

Another tip is to bring what you desire into the present. Instead of wanting, have gratitude for already having. It sounds a little wierd, but it works. It works quickly with things I'm not too bothered about. Sometimes, striving too haard can actually push things away.

Also, as we are in a group consciousness, I would like you all to visualise me now, happy, loving and loved by the man of my dreams.

Thankyou

I was rather taken aback this morning, upon checking my Facebook, to see that my status declared that I "need sex!" One if the delights of having teenagers in the house, I suppose, the gleeful tampering with status that occurs when you leave the room is always a source of great entertainment.
Fortunately, this interference occurred very late last night, so few friends will have seen it.

It is a relief to sea the sunshine; during the night I woke to hear heavy rain outside. The girls' Dad is coming today, and it will be good to be able to play outside, maybe at a park or the beach. On rainy days there are less options, which cost money.

Yesterday we went into town. One of the girls has a birthday party to attend this afternoon, so gift shopping was required. With a couple of their friends in tow,we headed out. At one point we were thirsty and, inevitably, hungry, so Ro asked if we could go to SHADES in the centre of the Arndale. My ex-husband irreverently calls in CODGERS, as it is frequented predominantly by old folk. I was in there once when Ro was tiny. Confined to her puschair, hot and bothered, she screamed and screamed. I left her at the table with my older girls and joined the queue to get her another drink to keep her quiet while we were still eating. Just as I was paying the waitress serving me complained to her colleague about the screaming child, saying she wished people with babies would stay at home.
"Actually she's mine!" I declared, causing the young woman to turn fuschia with embarrassment. People can be so quick to criticise without thinking.
Yesterday, at that same counter, I was trying to give our order to the girl behind the till.
"Pardon!" she said. I repeated the request. She still could not hear. There was a man beside her frothing milk. He stopped momentarily, long enough for me to start speaking and be drowned out once more. I took a breath, as did my elder daughter, and the two of us turned and looked at him, expectantly. He looked sheepish, and turned off his frother for a minute.
It is wonderful to see how much communication is non-verbal. For that reason, I don't really like talking on the phone. I like to have eye-contact and body language to read.
Over time, I seem to become worse at mask-wearing. To my children's amusement my face frequently gives away my feelings. Being true to myself is probably a good thing, though I'm sure I can remember being a master of disguise where feelings are concerned.
My chidren have tried to develop that skill. In a large family it can be hard to get to the bottom of things. Face reading can quite often work. Once, body language had given away the culprit, but she was still denying it, so I resorted to the the use of a dowsing crystal. When it spun in circles over her head she was mortified and confessed immediately!

Well, it's Saturday, and I seem to be going to town with some little girls. It's a little cooler today, so it should be fine.

It's been a strange week. I had a dream on Monday that my youngest daughter was in an accident and put on a stretcher. She and I went to the Harbour on Tuesday, and I was nearly over the top with caution; "Don't get too close to the edge!" "Stand back!"

On Wednesday afternoon, I went into a bit of a swoon around lunchtime, feeling really down and sleepy. When I arrived at school, my daughter nwas brought to me, having been sick. She looked a little white, and whispered to me that she'd been hit on the head with a football, which had then knocked her backwards onto the ground. It sounds like she blacked out.

So, though not on a stretcher, I took her to hospital to be checked out. My reaction to the dream had been to try to avert accidents, Sleeping Beauty style. Possibly, if something has already "been written" we can't stop it, but we can affect it. We can throw light at something. I suspect my afternoon wooziness was healing energy being sent her way and, since the dream, I had also been praying for her with my thoughts, providing a cushion to prevent serious damage.

I always try to heed my dreams, for I believe they are giving us messages. There is often a theme to them, so that if something is not immediately picked up, it gradually dawns on me. I reinforce this through meditation, and looking for other signals in life, the magical synchronicity.

Some time ago I lost the will to blog. I would sign in, read a few blogs, turn to mine and sit by the blank white box, wondering what to do. There seems to have been a form of writers block.

I suppose I was afraid of having nothing new to say. Also, I was aware of prying eyes. A couple of years ago I seemed to acquire something akin to an internet stalker, who read my blog, and followed me home. It was a strange experience.

I toyed with the idea of beginning a new, more anonymous blog. However, I may renew my efforts here. I'll see.

Morning again!
I actually awaoke at 5, and battled the daylight back into the land of nod. Strange dreams of journeys have been intriguing in the extreme. In one, my friend and I were in a camper van, driving towards what looked like an Ancient City, constructed mainly of white marble. We stopped, and began to walk, though he was naked, with a large dog on a lead. His unexpected nudity amused me, and the alarm cut in, jerking me swiftly awake. It follows a trend, but I think I need too ask for more daytime signs to see what it might mean.
In another, I was in France, with friends, to attend a spiritual fair. While there, I visited a church. Some of the congregetion were wearing inflatable tanks of goldfish on their heads!
So, it will slowly dawn on me, I am sure. I must fit in time to meditate after my meeting this morning, to see if something becomes more apparent. Maintaining spiritual practices in my busy, busy life is, for me, essential, but a definite juggling act!

I met up with a friend yesterday, for lunch. We used to be very close, but went through some traumatic times. It sometimes feels that the only way to break free of the pain of the memories is not to meet, lest the inevitable conversation recommences and we reawaken the old energy. Perhaps it was fortunate that she brought a friend with her, a shield for both of us.

Whenever tricky subjects arose, we reorted to a special code. Our companion must have thought we were mad!

It is natural to talk things out, to share problems, getting them off our chest. However, the verbal post mortem keeps it alive. Often now, if I am aware of a painful situation, I allow myself to experience the pain, and then acknowledge the cause, blessing it, admitting gratitude for the lesson, and sending it on its way. Dwelling on such things, keeping them close, causes dis-ease. Releasing it is healthier for mind, body and spirit.

At the weekend I returned to the town where I was born and drove along the main A229, which runs through the middle. Along the way, certain landmarks caught my eye, and brought very clear memories of life there. I drove past the office where my mother briefly worked, the bus stop where Teresa joined us and left us at the top of Linton Hill, the turning that led to the house we lived in at the turn of the millennium, my favourite of all our homes. Fortunately, the happy memories leave the strongest impressions for, despite ups and downs, each memory made me smile.

Happiness is such a powerful emotion, and it keeps us positive and creative; we achieve our dreams when we are joyful. One of our greatest lessons to learn is to maintain joy, even if we have seemingly insurmountable obstacles ahead of us. Like attracts like. If we feel down, we pull heavy thoughts, feelings and events towards us that push us down further. A joyful heart flies, and attracts more joy to us. Even if something "negative" crosses my path, I take a deep breath and think of something happy to dislodge the low feeling. Somehow, having learned to do that, life seems to run smoothly and happily.

In those low times, digging out the cheery memories can be amazingly uplifting. Remembering alone is fantastic, or digging out the photo albums and videos lets the whole family join in.

I have pictures of me taken last year, when I was unwell. Looking at them now, I can see a clear difference between then and now. Part of me wonders whether to bin them, or to hold onto them to remind me of how much I am improved. I had an undiagnosed thyroid problem which is now being treated. I shall probably hold onto them for a while, as I can feel pleased I am now far healthier. If they start to make me feel bad, out they will go!

Change is one of life's few constants. We are, after all, on a journey and,though we may choose our routes and speeds to a certain extent, the start and end points are more or less fixed. Even if we choose to sit down, things continue to move around us.
This year, my eldest daughter is planning to leave home to go to drama school. It is what she has always dreamed of, and I support her whole-heartedly, though there are days when I feel a tinge of sadness. What will life be like without her here, not even local? Will she ever return here to live? Will life ever be the same again?
Of course, nothing ever stays the same and, with the right attitude, every change is for the better, helping us all to grow and achieve.
Similarly, another of my girls is leaving Primary School and starting Secondary this year. I sat in assembly this morning, watching her on stage, reading out House Point totals, and then singing with the rest of the children, all so excited and happy and,yet again, felt a slight sting behind the eyes at knowing they will all be leaving this behind as they enter the more "grown-up" environment of year 7.
Also, although she is very happy with the school she has been allocated, she is the only one from the Primary school going there, so she will be away from friends she has had since she was at nursery.
She, too, will be learning to adjust to grand changes.
For me, I know I react better to change, and its stresses, when I am well-rested, full of healthy food, active and connected, something I achieve through meditation. Also, distraction in the form of creativity, or in doing something relaxing and joyful, makes everything in life feel much better. My next task is to relay these skills to my daughter although, even with all that preparation, there will probably still be some tears shed on her last day.
Still, these changes are great adventures, keeping us all active, growing and learning, even excited. We shall, I know, survive them, relish them, and be smiling at the end.

It was my daughter's birthday yesterday. I had meant to bake a cake, but as my youngest was off school with a sore throat, I really didn't get around to it. We had a Mr Kipling Giant Fondant Fancy, which looked good but, unfortunately, tasted nothing like one. Oh Well, I suppose expecting that would be like expecting a Bagpuss Cake to taste like boiled cat. If Heston made it, it probably would.

Still, I made carbonara for tea, as that is one of the few meals she will eat.

With many things I am able to turn the tide with positive thinking; I read this morning, "practice being fictional." It works as a way of improving situations, but it needs great strength of mind. All minds are creating lives, jostling and often anxious. When all work for a common purpose things are easier, and if ones own unique view is weaker, it is hard to bring about its desires. Unique may not be "wrong," just different, the "still small voice of calm," in the midst of a storm.
So, with this child who has been, up to now, a faddy eater, I must create a statement: "She is a happy, with a healthy, varied appetite!" As freaky as it sounds, these things work. When I was irritated with people, and really felt it, it perpetuated their irritant qualities. When I paused for breath, focused on their good points and affirmed positively, the relationships changed for the better, especially if I also affirmed that I was interested only in the highest good.

So, I have happy, healthy,helpful chidren, who are always polite and loving towards each other! God help us!!